Eulogy, er, ‘Tribute’: Remembering the 2012-13 Chicago Blackhawks

(Before the postseason, we assign 16 eulogies. As in the past, the winning team's eulogy becomes ahem, a "tribute" by the fans who hated them the most. Here are the writers from Hockey Wilderness, a Minnesota Wild blog, fondly recalling the 2012-13 Chicago Blackhawks. Again, this was not written by us. Also: This is a roast and you will be offended by it, so don't take it so seriously.)

By Hockey Wilderness

We gather today not to mourn the loss of the Stanley Cup Champion* Chicago Blackhawks, but rather to honor them and mourn the loss of another hockey season.

This is, of course, assuming any of the people who are, no doubt, going to comment about how weak this tribute is, how the jokes are stale and old, or how someone else clearly should have written this tribute can even understand the big words we will use, such as… it, this, and those. If there were too many commas in that last sentence for you, you may want to check out now.

Now that everyone from Edmonton is no longer with us, we can continue ...

To be fair, it is difficult to roast a team for which there really is no built in hatred. Despite what NBC seems to believe, the Wild are not the North Stars, and the Blackhawks and Wild really don’t hate each other all that much. That could change with “Conference III” next season, but right now, the Wild are little more than a day off to the Hawks, which makes it exceedingly difficult to find the vitriol needed to properly write something like this, but we will do our best.

Fact of the matter is, we always love seeing Chicago win*. It makes us feel warm and fuzzy to know that good things can happen to a city stuck in 1979. You're not modern enough to get the Olympics or World Cup, so it's encouraging to know that good things can still happen to a city that has completely let itself go.

At least the citizens of Chicago won't have to worry about Patrick Kane getting hammered and impregnating their daughters. Like most of us, he finds your women so repulsive that he had to trek all the way to Madison to find girls he would even drunkenly bang.

Think about that for a second. He went to Wisconsin. Intentionally. To find women hotter than yours.

But hey, paint your river green. That's always "cute."

No, seriously, we’re really happy for you. It must be nice to steal the Cup* from the rightful owners here in Minnesota. What? You didn’t think we’d notice? The clear difference in this series was Eden Prairie Native Nick Leddy, oh he of the saving grace, born of the fatherland, and first of his name. The fact that Stan Bowman avoided arrest after that trade is something Congress really should investigate. Of course, being Chicago, we’re sure it was on the up and up.

Never mind that Leddy was in the doghouse for most of the Final, and averaged more TOI in the playoffs than exactly one other Hawks D-man. Your fact-like facts have no bearing here. He’s from Minnesota, people. He’s one of us!

Leddy’s mere presence in the locker room brought upon the Hawks the blessings of the hockey gods. Just ask anyone who is a University of Minnesota Golden Gopher fan. The Wild trading Leddy to the Hawks won you the Cup* and has cursed the Wild for the next hundred years.

If you can gaze upon a picture of The Savior lifting the Holy Grail and not feel cleansed of all sin, you are a terrible hockey fan.

By the way, thanks for Former Third Overall Pick Cam Barker. Really appreciate that one, guys.

We are left with a couple of questions about what happens to the Cup now.

With the traditional “spend a day with the Cup*” for each winner, does Dave Bolland plot how many dead voters’ body parts he can fit in the Cup? Can you hand it over to Corey Crawford, knowing he only has use of one arm? Does Daniel Carcillo get a turn, and can a player be suspended for concussing the Cup? Does Patrick Kane spend his day at a meeting of the Buffalo Cab Driver’s Guild, offering a prize to whoever correctly guesses how many dimes fit in the Cup?

Please accept this as your second invitation to skip the rest of the post, jump to the comments, and complain about the jokes, and opine over how someone from The Committed Indian could have done a better job.

We agree. They could have, but they are also the only Hawks fans that are halfway tolerable.

You people are like a reverse image of the Vancouver Canucks. No one likes the Canucks, but their fans are good people, riots notwithstanding. The Hawks are a truly likable team, but the fans have got to be some of the most disgustingly brutal people to deal with in the NHL. Red Wings fans are entitled, arrogant [insert PG-13 rated word for male genitalia here], but Hawks fans … all six of you that actually know who they are when the Bulls are playing … absolutely need some lessons in how to be winners.

You’d think the majority of you were fans of a team that can’t win because of a goat.

It's cool though. Enjoy your championship*. We hope that the players that won't be returning to the Hawks lineup next season (Read: more than fans are willing to admit) enjoy their time with the Cup, since they'll be getting their rings via FedEx next season.

There is, without a doubt, someone readying a comment blasting us for assuming the Hawks have cap trouble. Five unrestricted free agents and two restricted free agents, and a whopping $2 million to work with, it is clear the genius Stan Bowman has some plan to attend to the issue.

Enjoy the moment Hawks fans. You get three months before no one gives a damn any more. You should be us ed to that, though.

You're all right, though. Probably should have had Winging it in Motown or St. Louis Game Time write this. Still, you got us, an asterisk, and a strange obsession with goats. You really should talk to someone about that.

But you're not Edmonton, so you have that going for you.